Still finding it difficult to think of what to share with the world on here, it occurred to me why just before - I have never kept a diary ever. 19 years of age and not one thought or emotion written down on paper, not even a rant about someone or a secret crush. Is this weird? I come from a family were emotion is very rarely expressed, leading to build up and ultimately eruptions, less frequent now but still occurring and so the obvious answer would be 'no'.
Yet my dad writes poetry, which I still can't quite get over because he is the most distantly emotional person in creation and yet he likes to partake in something involving the upmost emotion to pass away the time - weird. My mum kept a diary on and off even into her adult life, I know this only because I discovered a few on one of my nosey looks in the chest of draws by her bed, some very cringeworthy accounts of what we got up as children, but ultimately kept with love, that was clear. My older sister kept diaries for all of her teenage years, religiously. I even remember one christmas eve when me and the youngest were sleeping in her room for the night (family tradition) and we would just say a random date and she would get out the appropriate diary and read us a passage, leading to some quite amusing revelations. And the final member of our exclusive clan has always been an author in the making. Whether the little one ever kept a diary is a mystery to me, although she did one christmas get a voice activated diary, which I attempted to break into on several occasions, ultimately always failing - funny that. The point is I do not know if she ever actually wrote in it but this is irrelevant I guess as she writes constantly of her own imaginings, less now than before, but still - it is something she appears to love.
Yet with me, nothing. All we have learnt about me above is that I like to 'know' but not to 'tell'. But that is pretty much it, I hate people knowing too much about me, when I'm down or annoyed for example. I bitch of course I won't try to deny it but who doesn't? Its pretty much impossible not to - provides a social function in the release of tensions as an anthropologist would put it. But the thoughts that matter, the key emotions and life changing alterations on my worldview, they are mine.
I guess this is the explanation for the lack of diary. Trust.
It takes me a ridiculous amount of time to trust anyone, and I seem to be pretty much always guarded. It used to annoy me but now I have come to realize it's just me. (I realize this could result in an extremely boring blog on my behalf, I'm sorry!)
I much prefer having people share their life's troubles with me, it's one of my favorite past times, being the shoulder. Not in the sense that I like to revel in others misery but to comfort, always to comfort.
I hate and often refuse to use the shoulder.
Often I get annoyed at myself for not being more assertive, or honest when annoyed. For shying away and for what some may consider as being plain naive to manipulation. But ultimately I cannot change it and believe me I've tried. I've been brutally honest, some would even say too brutal, and I find it rarely produces a result. People who manipulate will always manipulate, whether you bring attention to the fact that you can see right through them or not. It's not right but it's their way and there's little anyone can do to change it, so we adjust.
Adjustment. I think that one word describes the last year. One constant adjustment.
Luckily in the case of Belfast, Anthropology and the Anthropologists - a very worthwhile adjustment! Today I had my first wave of sadness about the end of year number 1. The fact that it's over already is mind blowing and incredibly scary - life is disappearing.
I WILL MISS YOU ALL. Roll on September, although the summer break does look very appealing at the moment.
ESA then DONE. Monday 31st May 2010 I love you already.
sorry for the ramble everyone, I was not intending to go off on one.
xXx
